Today, I’d like to share a message with my wonderful readers and friends; I am so very thankful for each and every one of you and for all of the support and kindness you have shared with me over the past four years. Most of my blog posts over the years have included some mention of my sweet, funny and wonderful husband of 33 years, aka Mr. Smarty Pants. Inexplicably and without warning, I lost my husband on October 4. My lifetime love, best friend, the person who always made me laugh and the rock of my world is suddenly gone. My children are without their beloved Dad and the world is now without an exceptionally wonderful man. There are many moments when it seems just impossibly too much to bear, though I know that I must.
I have to believe that God needed him now more than I do, though I know that all of us who have lost a spouse or a loved one struggle to comprehend this. All of my friends and family are telling me to just focus on the present moment, not to think ahead, and to just breathe. When I can remember this, and it is truly not easy to do, the pain, panic and crushing sadness lessens slightly, even if for a moment.
Last week, I could do little but lie in bed and stare at the television. Someone had told me that the new show “Designated Survivor” was worth watching, so I pulled up OnDemand, watched all of the episodes and was grateful for the distraction. A song from the second episode, I think, caught my attention. The lyrics spoke to me and I ran to find it online:
“Time will save you……You don’t have to save yourself.”
The song is called “Save You” from Turin Brakes. I have been listening to this song over and over again throughout the past week and it is giving me some strength to realize that it will truly take time to save me. I feel as though God has selected me to be the designated survivor of my family and with that comes responsibility to be strong, to carry forward, to support my children and to try to realize the many hopes and dreams that my husband and I shared. Though Mr. Smarty Pants won’t be with me physically, I know absolutely that he will be with me spiritually every step of the way, I know that the road will be very long and very difficult, though I have my children, faith, family and friends to be the light that will help me navigate through the darkness.
My daughter has suggested that I give up the blog or put it on the back burner for some time. I have to be honest, I’ve struggled with this a lot over the past few weeks. My husband was the most amazing support for all my crazy crafting and projects, and sacrificed a lot over the last four years so that I could pursue something I loved. He showed incredible patience and never once complained when I stayed in weekend and after weekend to complete projects or struggled with photography. I know there were probably a million times when he would have liked to ask me to just walk away from this, but he never did, not once. He helped, suggested, and cheered everything I accomplished. Given all that he did to make this dream come true for me, I owe it to his memory and to each of you to continue.
I honestly am not certain how things will be going forward. My sweet daughter doesn’t want me to spend every weekend in the house simply working on the blog and I understand that. I also know that the blog will be a source of comfort to me as I find my path in a new and scary world. I plan to be very patient with myself and so what and when I can, and it will mean the absolute world to me if you can be patient with me, too. You are all important to me and I never want to let you down or disappoint you. It will mean more to me than I can possibly say if you can help me heal.
Thank you seems completely inadequate, though it it really and truly my heart. Thank you for allowing me to share this trying time and for sharing hope for tomorrow with me.