Today, I’d like to share a message with my wonderful readers and friends; I am so very thankful for each and every one of you and for all of the support and kindness you have shared with me over the past four years. Most of my blog posts over the years have included some mention of my sweet, funny and wonderful husband of 33 years, aka Mr. Smarty Pants. Inexplicably and without warning, I lost my husband on October 4. My lifetime love, best friend, the person who always made me laugh and the rock of my world is suddenly gone. My children are without their beloved Dad and the world is now without an exceptionally wonderful man. There are many moments when it seems just impossibly too much to bear, though I know that I must.
I have to believe that God needed him now more than I do, though I know that all of us who have lost a spouse or a loved one struggle to comprehend this. All of my friends and family are telling me to just focus on the present moment, not to think ahead, and to just breathe. When I can remember this, and it is truly not easy to do, the pain, panic and crushing sadness lessens slightly, even if for a moment.
Last week, I could do little but lie in bed and stare at the television. Someone had told me that the new show “Designated Survivor” was worth watching, so I pulled up OnDemand, watched all of the episodes and was grateful for the distraction. A song from the second episode, I think, caught my attention. The lyrics spoke to me and I ran to find it online:
“Time will save you……You don’t have to save yourself.”
The song is called “Save You” from Turin Brakes. I have been listening to this song over and over again throughout the past week and it is giving me some strength to realize that it will truly take time to save me. I feel as though God has selected me to be the designated survivor of my family and with that comes responsibility to be strong, to carry forward, to support my children and to try to realize the many hopes and dreams that my husband and I shared. Though Mr. Smarty Pants won’t be with me physically, I know absolutely that he will be with me spiritually every step of the way, I know that the road will be very long and very difficult, though I have my children, faith, family and friends to be the light that will help me navigate through the darkness.
My daughter has suggested that I give up the blog or put it on the back burner for some time. I have to be honest, I’ve struggled with this a lot over the past few weeks. My husband was the most amazing support for all my crazy crafting and projects, and sacrificed a lot over the last four years so that I could pursue something I loved. He showed incredible patience and never once complained when I stayed in weekend and after weekend to complete projects or struggled with photography. I know there were probably a million times when he would have liked to ask me to just walk away from this, but he never did, not once. He helped, suggested, and cheered everything I accomplished. Given all that he did to make this dream come true for me, I owe it to his memory and to each of you to continue.
I honestly am not certain how things will be going forward. My sweet daughter doesn’t want me to spend every weekend in the house simply working on the blog and I understand that. I also know that the blog will be a source of comfort to me as I find my path in a new and scary world. I plan to be very patient with myself and so what and when I can, and it will mean the absolute world to me if you can be patient with me, too. You are all important to me and I never want to let you down or disappoint you. It will mean more to me than I can possibly say if you can help me heal.
Thank you seems completely inadequate, though it it really and truly my heart. Thank you for allowing me to share this trying time and for sharing hope for tomorrow with me.
Jen Panguluri says
I’m heartbroken for you. Maybe ask for guest posters. Take a break. I’m sure there are many who will stand in the gap for you. All my best.
Thank you so much for your kind message, Jen.
Cindy, as I mentioned last week, my heart is broken for you and I love how your husband supported you and cheered you on. I’m sure he was your #1 fan and that speaks volumes! I do hope you take your time getting back to your blog, but I also understand how it can be a big part of the healing process as you learn to go forward. I wish I could give you a great big hug! Please know that I continue to pray for you and if there’s anything you need, please don’t hesitate to ask.
Alli, your message means so much to me, thank you. I am more grateful than I can say for prayers, hugs and support.
My sweet friend… so many tears over here. You and your family have been in my thoughts and prayers since I heard this news. It has also certainly made me question how in the world I myself would handle this happening. I have to say that I can’t imagine moving forward and I somehow knew that once you were able to write a note to us that you would manage to explain it so beautifully.
“God has selected me to be the designated survivor of my family and with that comes responsibility to be strong, to carry forward, to support my children and to try to realize the many hopes and dreams that my husband and I shared.” Just, wow. Yes He did and yes you can.
I know that Mr. Smarty Pants would be, is, and will forever be so proud of you. While my heart aches for you I also know that you will make it through this.
I am so sorry for your loss and I know that words aren’t enough but please just know that so many of us do love you and are hurting for you and we will certainly be there for you as you are just beginning the healing process.
Love you. xoxo
Dear Claire, your beautiful message means the world to me. I am more grateful than I can say for all the love and support. I’m definitely leaning on that during the very tough moments. Thank you for the love, my friend.
Oh my dear sweet friend, I’m so deeply sorry. I can’t express just how much I wish I could reach through here & comfort you. Having experienced a half dozen deep losses recently – none of which are the same as what you are going through, I can say that I do understand some of what you are feeling. You have to go through each phase & each batch of emotions in your own way & in your own time. There is no right or wrong way to grieve & how you approach things will be different than what anyone else thinks you should do. There is nothing I can say or even do that can take away your pain, which I understand, but still leaves me wanting to do more. Please, if there is anything- just let me know. My heart is with you.
Dear Gina, thank you so, so much for your lovely message. All loss is difficult and you are right, grieving is a process that is personal and takes time. Please know that all of the love, prayers and support from my wonderful blogging friends is truly a source of strength for me. I am really grateful and thank you.
I am so sorry for your loss. I pray that God will send you comfort and peace. Praying for you too. ?
Dear Deborah, thank you so very much for the prayers and your message.
Oh, Cindy, how I wish I could say or do something to help you with your pain and loss. You have always been so encouraging, sweet and kind. My thoughts and prayers are with you and I will continue to pray. I certainly don’t know from my own personal experience what you are going through but my sister was a young widow as well. It did take time for her to pick up the pieces and go forward but 7 years after her husband passed her first grandchild was born and I know that life and seeing her husband in her grandson (and now 4 grandsons and 1 granddaughter later) has given her a joy that she thought she would never have again. While you will always miss Mr. Smarty Pants what a blessing to have had someone so wonderful to share your life with if only for too short of a time. Hugs, mb
Dear Mary Beth – I am so grateful for your kind message, it means so much to me. I am thankful for the prayers and hugs.
bobbi dwyer says
Cindy I am so sorry for your loss!! Time will save you. Sending prayers for you and your and Mr. Smarty pants’ families.
Bobbi, thank you for your kind message and the prayers.
Joy Gwilliam says
Dear Cindy,
First I am so sorry for your loss. Second, I will keep you in my prayers. I am a total stranger to you and I know you have your family and friends to talk with, however, I am willing to give you my ears and shoulders as a soft place to fall. I say this because sometimes it is easier to talk with a total stranger. I wish you and your family well.
Sincerely,
Joy
Dear Joy, thank you for your kind message and the sweet offer to talk. I appreciate it so much more than I could really express.
Joy Gwilliam says
You are so very welcome.
Julie says
Cindy,
You are an amazing, beautiful, compassionate, strong woman. Reading this post, I am again reminded of how passionate you are about your blog, family and people as a whole. You will always have my support in whatever you choose to do. I know, that Mr. Smarty Pants, is looking down on you and will continue to inspire you and you will continue to not only make beautiful crafts and foods, but your beauty as a person will continue to touch all those you know in person or through your blog.
Love,
Julie
Julie, thank you for your sweet, kind message. You know how much I appreciate it and don’t know what I would do without your friendship. Hugs!
I am so sorry for your loss. Mr. Smarty Pants will always be with you in your heart and those of your children’s too. May you find comfort in your treasured memories. Please accept my sincere sympathy.I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. May Mr. Smarty Pants rest in peace.
Love and Peace
Marilyn
Dear Marilyn, thank you so much for your kind message and sympathy. I truly appreciate it more than I can say.
Cindy, I heard about the loss of your husband through a prayer chain on FB, and I just want to offer you hugs and condolences to your family. You have always been so supportive of other bloggers and now it’s our turn to be here for you. If blogging can offer you some solace just know that we are here lifting you up in prayer. love and prayers – Jeanette
Dear Jeanette, thank you so much for taking time to share such a lovely message. I am truly grateful for the prayers and support from you and the wonderful blogging community.
Carrie says
I am so so sorry. What a beautiful tribute to your husband. Cindy, you are not alone. I know that our Heavenly Father knows and loves YOU! And there is certainly power in prayer. Not that our situation somehow miraculously changes, but by letting Him know how we feel and asking Him for help with the things that we stand in need of He has the ability to give us strength, peace, and an army of people to lift us up and help us to endure our stituation. I hope that you are feeling our loving Heavenly Father’s arms wrapped around you. Love, Carrie
Dear Carrie, I am so grateful for your lovely message and I am truly depending our Heavenly Father, who I know will help me and my family through this difficult time.
Jill Hayes says
Cindy,
I wish I could give you a hug right now. You are my inspiration and I was in tears when I read your post. Just know that all your loyal blog readers and followers are holding you up right now and we are all thinking of you during this difficult period. You must take care of you and your family. If taking a long break from writing on your blog feels right than we will all understand and support you. If you need to continue writing on the blog and you need to share your difficult days here, we will all help you get through those days too and do our best to lift your spirits. Whatever the future holds we are behind you. You are BRAVE, you are KIND, you are STRONG. We all love you.
Dear Jill, thank you so, so much for your beautiful message. I can’t even find the right words to let you know how much it means to me. All of my blogger friends are giving me so much strength and it really means the world to me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
Dawn Turner says
Although I only know you through your blog, my heart aches with you. My husband has cancer that is only treatable. We have been given 18 months together since diagnosis. My mind goes in so many directions when I think of life without him. It seems unbearable. Know that I will be praying for you and your family. You are a strong woman, and God is all powerful. What a combination we have in him! One day at a time.
Dear Dawn, I am so touched by your beautiful message when you are also facing such a difficult and challenging time. You are absolutely right, we have to take just one day at a time and continue to ask God for strength. I am truly grateful for your prayers and will also keep you, your husband and family in mine.
Cindy, I’m so very sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family during this most difficult time.
Laurie, I am very grateful for the thoughts and prayers, thank you!
So sorry for your loss, Cindy. I feel like words are useless in times like these …
I’m sending you a little bit of my love and prayers, I’ve been listening to your song all day yesterday, thinking of you.
Moments like these make you put your priorities in order.
I hope God will give you and your family the strength to go forward!
Hugs,
Diana
Dear Diana, your message, love and prayers mean so much to me, thank you. I’ve been listening to that song a lot, too. Please know how grateful I am for all the support and kindness from the blogging community.
Oh Cindy … my dear beltway blogging buddy. I was shocked and very saddened to hear of your heartbreaking loss. He sounds like a wonderful guy and no doubt your darling husband counted his blessings everyday having his kind, warm-hearted and loving Cindy by his side. For the last ten months, my sister-in-law has been grieving the loss of my dear big brother. It too was sudden and unexpected after 31 years of marriage. I see how those once celebrated days of birthdays, anniversary and holidays have become the most difficult. During the days and months ahead, I am certain you will find strength in the support of your family and friends, and comfort in your wonderful memories. As you venture forward, take it one-day-at-a-time and I hope you will soon find joy in every day. xo, Joan
Dear Joan, I so appreciate your message and I’m so sorry about your brother. I understand all too deeply what your sister-in-law is trying to manage. I do feel very fortunate to have shared so much of my life with such a fantastic man, and am thankful for my children, family and friends, including all of my wonderful, supportive blogging buddies. Thank you for your helpful words, Joan.
Its so sad what you are going through at the moment. I don’t believe time heals I just think that it gets easier with time. I think your family is right, take it one day at a time. Just do what you feel will help you. Take care. Claire
Claire, thank you so much for your message and I am definitely focusing on just a day at a time.
Oh Cindy, my heart is breaking for you. I am so sorry for your loss; I cannot even imagine what you must be feeling and going through. I will be keeping you and your family in my thoughts.
Emily, your message means so much to me – thank you so much for keeping my family in your thoughts.
Cindy, please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Praying for you and your family. Much love, Linda
Linda, thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers. I appreciate it more than I can say.
Oh Cindy, I have thought about you and your unimaginable loss so much throughout October. Blog husbands are amazing partners that buoy us when we just want to toss it all away. Just let your fellow bloggers know when you need a lift or a cheerleader or someone to rant to. We’ll be here for you, no doubt about it.
Rest, hydrate, cry, and then DIY when your heart is ready to.
Sarah
Sarah, thank you so much for your message, and I couldn’t agree with you more about how amazing blog husbands are! It’s taking me a while to get my heart back into the blogging groove, but I know I’ll get there. I am grateful for all of the kindness and support from my fabulous blogger friends.
Cindy, my heart is broken for you. 33 years seems like a long time but it really isn’t long enough to have your sweetheart by your side. Mr. Smarty Pants does indeed sound like the most wonderful husband and I know your pain is overwhelming right now. You are a precious asset to the blogging community and we miss you. We are here to cheer you on when you are ready.